Trust

Trust is scary. I've never in my life truly trusted anybody, and people have never given me reason to do so either, because they will usually disappoint in a way.

I can understand religious people. To trust in God or a higher being that will never truly let you down, seems like a good thing.

Personally, I believe there is only one person I can truly trust, and that is myself.

Words

Something is bothering me. Why does it seem like it is so damn easy for people to use words and phrases they don't really mean? I've done it myself and I know others who've done so.

"I care for you", "I'm here for you whatever happens" and something as simple as "How are you?" All those phrases can be pretty easily faked. What causes people to do that? What causes me to do that?

I personally believe it is all based on the fact that we feel we need to connect with other people - and even worse - belong to other people. We want to be close to somebody and to some people that comes natural. If it works out, good for you, but in most cases it doesn't. We're left living a big lie.

I've made a promise to myself. Never am I ever going to say something I do not mean.

Hiding

Sometimes all I want to do is hide. Today is one of those days.

It’s one of those days where everything seems to go wrong and you feel like you’re on the edge all the time. I don’t know what I’m on the edge of. Madness perhaps.

I’m sick and tired of people. Not everybody but some. The ones that expect me to be a certain way or do certain things. “I didn’t think you were like this”. Hell! This is me. Deal with it.

Sometimes I’m not as strong as I wish I was. Sometimes I break down. That’s when I’m in my most vulnerable state. I tend to leave then. Leave and hide somewhere because I’m afraid to get in somebody’s way. I wish I had my forests around me. When I’m broken that’s where I want to go. The forest surrounds me and hides me from everybody who judges me.

I’m homesick.